‘No more room’ for bland ex-footballer’s opinions on British TV, everyone agrees

UK football coverage is facing an epidemic of ex-professionals desperate for exposure on TV and radio and the system is suffering under the strain of too many meaningless, asinine comments, said the general public in a meeting yesterday.

Rather than hiring professionals who are trained to appear in the media and have something to contribute to the myriad comments that are splurged into the atmosphere every bloody day, broadcasters have taken to phoning agents who like nothing more than pushing ex-pros that could ‘do a job’ for them.

The number of journeymen who have inexplicably found themselves passing comment on situations that they have next to no knowledge of has grown exponentially over the past few years, with companies struggling to cope with the supply.

And when BBC’s Football Daily show last Wednesday hosted a panel of Francis Benali, Michael Brown and Emile Heskey, the public at large demanded something must be done, chairing an AGM in London attended by over 20 million people.

One of the solutions to find work for the burgeoning group of lumbering goons is to perhaps host them on other shows, the rationale being that they are contributing nothing of note to the football debate and, therefore, they can contribute nothing on other topics.

It has been mooted that Steve Sidwell be moved to BBC to replace John Humphries on Mastermind, while Gregg Wallace’s place on Masterchef could well be job-shared going forward with Mark Schwarzer.

The public statement read: ‘We simply can’t countenance another ex-professional plugging in generic terms such as ‘he wanted it more’, ‘at the end of the day’ or simply describing what we’ve just watched in slightly worse detail.

‘We don’t have anything against these lads who either blew their money in bad investments or were just too mince to make any decent coin, but we recommend they just open a pub or something. We have reached crap comment critical mass.’

Perry Groves was unavailable for comment.