Chinese Super League giants Guangzhou Evergrande have secured a major transfer coup by completing the signature of Thunder God Raiden on a thousand-year contract.
The super-rich CSL side have grown frustrated of late with their attempts to bring A-list European stars to Asia and are tired of being forced to offer extravagant contracts to half-paced rejects who can’t believe their luck.
After recent reports in the UK suggested that an unnamed Chinese side were ready to offer Ashley Young a £16m payday, Guangzhou took the decision to revamp their entire transfer policy and build their commercial brand around Raiden, the protector and guardian of the Earth.
The immortal controller of the elements was known to be unhappy with his agreement in the Mortal Kombat tournament and has taken the unprecedented move to switch codes and try to kick-start interest in football across his homeland. He has committed to the club for the upcoming millennium which in reality is a short-term arrangement for a deity who is expected to be around for all of eternity.
Coach Luiz Felipe Scolari, who famously won the World Cup with Brazil using no immortal gods or supernatural warriors whatsoever, is said to be keen to contain the unbridled power of his new star, who is capable of playing in a number of positions thanks to his ability to teleport to anywhere in the world at any given time.
Raiden, however, is thought to have reacted negatively to a strict ‘no fatalities’ rule placed upon him by his new boss, and is said to have told friends privately that he will ‘unleash a bolt of lightning from the heart of the universe’ if any referee tries to book him for dissent.
Guanzhou’s commercial department, meanwhile, have ordered one million conical hats for the club shop in the hope that Raiden’s popularity will resonate with the fans before he inevitably demands Scolari’s soul as recompense for having to do double training sessions.