Steve from IT – You ruin every Monday; – Five-a-side team-mates make heartfelt plea for shit player to permanently fuck off

A group of disgruntled five-a-side players have penned an open letter to one of their team-mates in a last-ditch bid to make him realise that his days as a football player are numbered – if, indeed, they ever began.

The group – known as the Breakaway Nine – dropped an email to Steve Gilkes, an IT operator from one of the other floors of the building, at 4.55pm on Friday, hoping he’d pick it up over the weekend and realise the error of his ways.

The letter noted that Steve, 45, overweight and possessing a congenital disorder that prohibits him from experiencing embarrassment, had been on the losing side for 47 consecutive weeks and that the run would have stretched into three figures had it not been for that one time where Alan from accounts suffered a massive heart attack mid-way through the match.

The Nine went further, adding that, by their reckoning, Gilkes had directly contributed to the concession of 967 goals in that time, while offering just a single strike in return, deflecting home a wayward strike via the jowls on his double chin.

The situation had reached tipping point, they stressed, claiming that Gilkes’ four colleagues regularly ‘chuck it’ when they are paired with him, because they know ‘it’s a fucking waste of time.’

The Nine added that they were grateful to Gilkes for regularly booking the pitch and admitted they could be more forthcoming with payment of £5.50 to cover their costs.

But despite this regular gesture they were willing to allow the weekly fixture to fold, unless Gilkes complied with their demand to remove himself from availability from all games of football played anywhere at any level in the world for the remainder of the existence of the human race.

Gilkes was unavailable for comment at the time of writing, with the Nine still thought to be nervously checking their emails every five minutes.

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