Hundreds of bedroom bloggers have signed a petition urging commentators, pundits and journalists to devise a new set of football clichés, after it emerged that every conceivable term was already in use.
The proliferation of budding young writers who think that watching Sky Sports and having a Twitter account gives them any kind of authority has reached breaking point, with the most recent batch of scribes being forced into increasingly obscure metaphorical alleyways to make their vague points.
But with the creation of the Facebook page ‘Four at the Back’ at 2100 on Monday, all subsequent bloggers found that literally every slogan, motto, colloquialism and buzzword had been sourced in one capacity or another, leading one journalism student to make a desperate plea for a new influx of banality in football coverage.
Joey Smith, a teenage art student, decided after a night out on the piss in Rochdale he would blog about the largely unexplored topic of Manchester United, but as he tried to get started via a WordPress platform he couldn’t get further than constant Google searches for unique nomenclature.
“It’s impossible,” exclaimed Smith. “Not only are all of the English classics gone – ‘Flat Back Four’, ‘Take a Bow, Son’, ‘Spirit of ‘66’ – you know, our traditions – all of the foreign ones have been nicked as well.
“For every ‘Penalty Box poacher’ on Medium, you’ve got ‘Regista is Pirlo’ on Tumblr and ‘Tony’s Trequartistas’ on fucking Squarespace. For a young blogger trying to break into the, y’know, writing about football game, it’s never been tougher.”
And Smith lays the blame firmly at the feet of the liberal elite currently in charge of presenting and writing about football at a professional level for restricting their hackneyed remarks to the same tired stock comments.
“If the likes of Gary Lineker spent less time talking about Donald Trump and refugees, and more time trying to reinvent positions that have been around for fifty years like that False Nine malarkey, it would give people like me more chance of having a quirky headline on my post about Juan Mata’s silky left peg.
“These stars in their ivory towers, they have no idea how tough it is at the bottom. That’s why I set up the petition, in the hope that others like me could group together and let them know exactly what we think about their coverage.”
When asked what he would do with the petition once he had reached his target of signatures, Smith replied, “I’m not all that arsed now. I’ll probably go back to trolling Lineker with ‘Shat on’ messages. But I feel like I’ve proved my point.’