John Terry hires guard of honour to pay tribute to himself

Departing Chelsea captain John Terry has hired a guard of honour to follow him around in tribute to his career, friends have confirmed.

Terry, who quit the club at the end of this season, allowed his team-mates to applaud him from the pitch as he was substituted in the 26th minute against Sunderland.

The former England defender decided that he enjoyed the experience of being roundly clapped so much that he has hired 10 professional lackeys to parade either side of him as he enters and leaves his home in the morning.

They will also follow him to the supermarket and generally be available to remind Terry that he is the greatest defender in the history of the Premier League, bar none.

“It was my big day and I enjoyed it but then I wondered, why  should that feeling be confined to just one day, when I could experience it every day?” the flat-topped irritant told anyone who would listen.

“I want people around to remind me that, no matter what, I am a captain, leader, legend, even if I’m buying a pint of milk or a pair of socks.”

Terry also stated his intention to go one further – by retiring the 26th minute from the history of football.

“I think we should jump from the 25th to the 27th minute in tribute of my achievements. The only notable thing that’s ever happened in the 26th minute was my departure, so there’s no point trying to match it. Football should now be 89 minutes in memory of me.

“But I’m humble. They could make it 91 minutes if they like. I’m flexible. I always have been. Unless it’s a Chelsea manager I don’t particularly like.”

Terry has issued his intention to hang around offering opinions on topics that have little to do with him, on the basis that his opinion is the best ever in the history of the Premier League.