Manchester United’s formerly-useful forward Wayne Rooney is thought to be incensed after being asked to perform double shifts in the club’s recently-purchased cheese factory.
The rock-headed England international has been in and out of the team since penning a £300k a week deal that sets him up as the club’s highest-paid player.
But on Wednesday United confirmed that their debt had increased by £89m as a result of Brexit, leading the hierarchy to attempt to boost the government’s Northern Powerhouse idea and return market confidence in the pound.
Called the Big Cheese, the factory needs to produce and sell 75,000 blocks of Old Trafford Cheddar a week in order to cover Rooney’s salary and so boss Jose Mourinho has taken the extreme measure of loaning out the record goalscorer just in time for the backshift at 2pm.
Rooney then works ten hours, churning the butter to create that creamy Salford taste, before collapsing in bed just in time to hit the alarm and get up for training. The player told friends that he ‘stinks of cheese’ and team-mates are referring to him as ‘Cheese Rooney’.
“It’s been a shrewd business decision,” said executive vice-president Ed Woodward, “Wayne’s dual role has allowed us to offset some expenses and really boost our cheese production.
“It’s been cheese-tastic. Cheese. Cheese. Cheese something cheese.” Woodward then had to be subdued.
The cheese deal follows quickly behind their shoe factory acquisition, where Phil Jones fills in for twenty hours as a cobbler, while their failed construction venture, in which they attempted to build a wall all the way to the lucrative Chinese market, failed to make it past Longsight, with Luke Shaw’s shoddy cement work cited as a key reason for its demise.